To one day order all the appetizers at a restaurant or bar. Not some of the apps. ALL of the apps. Even the appetizer at the end of the list that’s a combination of all of the ones above it. I said ALL THE APPS.
The waiter’s gonna look at me. This has never happened before.
“I’m sorry,…did you say…ALL of the apps?”
And I’m gonna say,
“Did I stutter?”
I’m not even gonna order anything else. All the apps will be my meal. A super meal made up of lots of little tiny meals. It’ll be a monster meal.
I was sitting next to my Uncle Charlie. I hadn’t seen him in a long time. He lived in a nursing home. He quietly took a sip from his can of Sprite. And I heard him say,
“This tastes like gold”.
I was about to walk past the guy sitting next to me when he looked straight at me and said:
“I’m gonna smack your ass.”
This is actually the exact scenario I fear most riding on the TTC- having my butt smacked by a stranger. I don’t know even why but I really am paranoid about that happening to me. And here was this stranger telling me that’s exactly what he was going to do. It was creepy on multiple levels, like he could read my mind. He had been acting erratically the whole bus ride though so this lewd statement coming out of his mouth wasn’t actually that shocking. I think what came out of mine was actually more surprising for the both of us:
“Don’t you fucking talk to me that way.”
10 points to Jess for being a badass!!! I couldn’t believe it. I said the exact thing I wanted to say in the moment I wanted to say it. That never happens!!!! I always thought that’d just be a distant dream for me- like having The Rock lift me over his head with one hand. Sure it’d be nice but…it’ll never happen. Except it did for me!!! My heart was pounding like crazy. It truly felt just as amazing as I always imagined it would. His reaction was pretty satisfying too:
“I’m sorry! Sorrysorrysorrysorrry!”
And I just walked off the bus, untouchable.
I’m famous!
http://weftagency.tumblr.com/post/116039084898/opinion-models-of-influence
You have to like scroll down to actually read what I wrote, but I mean, I think it’s totally worth it. I’m the first quote on the page so that has to count for something right?
a really good conversation about how we like to do our hair. Neither of us is a fan of that really polished, sleek look. Michele basically summed it up pretty well:
“If your hair looks like you just had sex, people will want to have sex with you.”
I was checking out my friend Lauren’s camera that she brought along with her.
“Woah, it’s waterproof! And it comes with a thing to make it float! That’s sick Laur… Where’d you get it?”
“Zach bought it for me for my birthday…Best thing I ever got out of that relationship.”
Trying to one-up her I added wisely,
“Relationships come and go, but stuff…STUFF LASTS FOREVER!”
As Laur and I cracked up, Sil piped up:
“Can you guys stop? People are staring.”
complaining to my friend Sil about how when you meet a guy, he’ll always, always ask you the same question:
“So uh….what kinda music do ya listen to?”
Every. Guy. It became kind of predictable and it started to annoy me. I had no idea why it was always this particular question.
“Jess…” Sil levelled me with this look like the answer was obvious. “It’s because they have no idea what else to talk about.”
Even as teenagers, she’s always been the wise one.
their white shoes get dirty. I don’t get how they don’t realize that their shoes traverse the ground all day, every day. That’s their job. To get dirty, to be dirty. If your shoes aren’t dirty, where are you going with your life? What are you doing? It can’t be a whole lot. I bet you’ve had very few experiences in those shoes. And if you have the time to worry about your shoes, then I know for sure you’re not having any fun. You’re being whipped by an inanimate object. Don’t be that person. Respect yourself, not the shit you ‘own’. Fuck up your shoes. You deserve it. Be better than clean shoes. No one ever did anything significant in clean white shoes.
Everyone seems to forget there was a time before texting when we actually used to call each other. I still call my friends. They don’t pick up. But they will text me back later with a:
“I just saw you called! Is everything ok!?”
…Because if I’m calling it must be an emergency. But I mean, the way I see it, every time I want to talk to you, it is an emergency. I want to talk to you right there and then and have your full attention. And I don’t think I should have to be bleeding or broken for that to happen. I just want to have a good solid conversation with you. None of this texting casually back and forth…waiting for a response…doing something else….forgetting about it….coming back to my phone…responding….wait again….When I want to talk, I want to do it right here and now, not fragmented and scattered over my day and over other conversations- having to remember where we left off… what we were talking about… And then heaven forbid one of us wants to introduce another subject and we start talking about two different things! It’s miserable.
So yeah- it is an emergency. It is urgent. Because life is urgent and I don’t have time to waste.
The girl who just can't play it cool 