The girl who just can't play it cool

But I know a part of me does. It’s so obvious she can’t stand to be in the same room as me. She won’t talk about it with me either.

My friends and I were so excited for Rio. As soon as we arrived in the city, we dropped our stuff at the apartment we were renting and headed to the beach. When we got there, I realized I had forgotten my towel.

I brought my thirty page insurance policy with me, but I didn’t bring a towel.

 -Some advice my elderly neighbour bestowed upon me a while ago. It makes a lot more sense if I tell you she used to work in a kitchen in a high school.

I’m not sure if she thought I was looking for a job in a similar area but I feel like these words of wisdom will come in handy anyway. It doesn’t take much to realize that that is some solid life advice that should not go unheeded. I’d say it’s right up there with “Wear deodorant” and “Pack extra socks” and “Don’t put rocks in your mouth”.

And it will always beat my Mom’s advice to just be myself…but a lesser, more tone-downed version.

I can’t even listen to it, I like it so much. I’m pissed that it exists. I used to be happy. I never felt like I was missing anything. Until now. I’m ruined. Now that I have this song in my life, I know I’ll never be happy without it. I am so mad at the song for making me feel this way.

And no matter how many times I listen to it, or how loudly I play it or how vigorously I thrash around to it, it’ll never be enough. Never. Just hearing it isn’t enough. I want to be consumed by it. I want it more and more and more and more until it’s all around me and all over me and inside me through me and it’s suffocating me and I’m choking on it blissfully. A part of me is always unhappy listening to it because I know it’ll end. And all I want is that song all the time, for ever and ever until I die. Really. I want that song to eat me alive, swallow me whole, so that I live inside that song forever and I can be surrounded it by it until it suffocates me to death. I want to die loving that song. I’m in love with that song so much I want it to kill me.

I knew it was a bad idea when I did it. I invested in something I couldn’t see. I knew it was wrong. It felt wrong. I thought I would take a chance. It seemed safe enough.

Nope.

I knew it was stupid. Who pays $90 for something they haven’t seen or held or touched? A chump. Aka me. No shoes for Jess.

I don’t understand why more people don’t get excited.  It’s a whole day….just for you. Even if you don’t do anything special, even if no one else knows…YOU know there’s something special about that day. It lasts the ENTIRE day. . It’s a day that’s exclusively for celebrating you. Everyone has to wish you happy birthday and be nice to you.  There’s a glow throughout the whole day. You can feel it all around you. Your job seems more exciting, tastes are sharper, colours are brighter. All because it’s your birthday.  I hope I never stop feeling like that.  Why would I want to lose that feeling? I’m not even a kid or a teenager anymore. I think I’m technically in my mid-twenties now. This is where I’m supposed to start moaning about how I’m getting old and begin to dread my thirties. I don’t care. A birthday is a birthday. And I’ve only gotten smarter and hotter every year so I think I have a lot to look forward to. Maybe I just like attention.

And did NOT get carded. I took my drivers’ license out, ready and everything. Nothing. The guy at the counter scanned that little Schnapps like he serves me all the time. I couldn’t believe it. It’s New Year’s Eve. I look like a teenager. I still pay student fare on the TTC. I asked him why he didn’t I.D. me. He said it’s because I look better dressed than most young people trying to buy alcohol. That was news to me. It’s because I was wearing my rich-man’s-wife coat. I’m going to interpret this to mean that my new coat doesn’t just make me feel like a rich man’s wife, it also makes me look like a rich man’s wife. I gave him my I.D. to look at anyway. My picture on it is really horrible too.

I’ve decided it’s a lot better to have money. Otherwise, there’s a lot of “Hey we should do this!” And then “Oh wait, never mind, I don’t have any money”. It’s really not that fun.

It’s so luxurious. Like I’m wearing a lamb. I just wanna hug myself all the time when I wear it. So I do.